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Monday, December 21, 2015
3:20 Thinking a lot maybe to much lol. Been thinking a lot about my life lately. I'm a 35 year old male who is an admin assistant for a hospital organization by day. I have lots of good friends and family. Great people in my life that I really do appreciate. I'm considered somewhat intelligent and have some cool hobbies I think. But the thing is I've never been happy with me. I've never had a girlfriend or anytype of real sexual experience without paying for it. And the few times it happened it wasn't all that satisfying. I'm shy and introverted and have a hard time talking to people I don't know that well. I feel like I'm regulated to watching life's passing parade go by and further invest myself in my hobbies (Cosmology, Computer science, DJing, reading etc...) while I watch my friends progress in life with they're relationships and kids and successful jobs. I don't bitch about it anymore because I went through this bad phase doing that and everyone told my I'm responsible for my own happiness and need to get help etc.... And that's what I've been thinking about, my own happiness. What really makes me happy? And the fact that all those people giving me that advice don't even know what really would make me happy. No one outside my family knows about my love for high heels and those who do know probably forgot about it considering it some fetish phase I went through during my teens. They don't know I have a closet full of over 50+ pairs of heels most of them 5" or higher. A co-worker of mines wears lots of fantastic shoes and I admire her collection she doesn't know I would just love to talk to her about her shoes. Women who know me don't know when I hear them talk about how they don't understand how someone could walk in shoes that high I'm thinking to myself "I do on a nightly basis" Friends and family don't know that the reason I walk around wearing crappy guy pants and shoes is because i've been investing more in my female cloths then guy cloths. Pairs of heels bought this year 10+ pairs of mens sneakers and dress shoes for the office that I Really need 0. What would they think if they know I could take up to 12" of dick in my ass and not blink. I would just ask for more. What would they think if they know I had put on a pair of 7" platform mules and gave a blowjob in a adult filmstore and loved it? Do they know I would love to be a TS pornstar, or a gay escort, or a male celeb stylist that wears heels in addition to wanting to be a computer tech or a graphic artist or astrophysicist?.I have a transgendered MTF living around the corner from me and my female friend lives across the street when she makes fun of them does she relazing I want to ask her and her friends for advice?. Does she know how unhappy it makes me to hear her brag about sex life knowing mines is none exsistant as far as other people are concerned And that I think I'M more of an anal expert then she is lol.. And I just been thinking and thinking and thinking some more. Thinking about how I'm responsible for being happy and what makes me happy. Been starting to ask myself why should I be regulated to not going out being stuck in my house watching shoes on world war II, UFO's and space, trying to teach myself astronomy, and cosmology and playing around on a computer. I'm 35 years old it's time for me to take my happiness into my own hands. I decided to invest more into following this life style because I like it and I deserve to be happy and I think I deserve a chance to be me and to hell with anyone that doesn't like me because I'm tired of worried about what other's think about me. Every night I become Titania Tension the wannabe pornstar, and don't go beyond fantasy because I'm afraid of what others think even though they are happy with their lives. The only thing is trying to a. come out, and b. figure out when. I know the sooner the better but at the same time I don't want to be to selfesh with that decision because I have responsibilities to my 95 year old father who I take care of. Would that be self to come out or am I just afraid and making excuses? Either way I've taking some small but big steps. some I've mention the video and the webcam modling stuff though Its still be done in private though eventually I know I'M going to want to do hormone therapy. Eventually I'm going to have to tell people because they're going to notice when I finally step up and take harmones etc... they're going to notice me when I stop hiding my shoes. Sorry for the rambling and babbling. Just been thinking a lot and needed and outlet around other people that I think understand just had to get it off my chest, which will be bigger one day. I'm going to try to take everyone's advice and take control of my own happiness. Are they ready for what that means though? Should I even care? Comments
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